“We think ‘future me’ will be able to make good choices,
but too often ‘present me’ succumbs to temptation.”
― Katy Milkman, How to Change: The Science of Getting from Where You Are to Where You Want to Be
but too often ‘present me’ succumbs to temptation.”
― Katy Milkman, How to Change: The Science of Getting from Where You Are to Where You Want to Be
Every now and then in life one has to eat crow. I cooked mine up with a nice serving of “hard look at myself.” I’ve spent years developing self-compassion, but avoided the concept of self-discipline. I declared the reasons I stayed stuck in certain behaviors had nothing to do with my lack of discipline.
In my mind, discipline conjured ideas of obedience and punishment. As an avowed nonconformist, I’ve critiqued blind obedience and disliked adhering to specified “rules of conduct.” I was punished a lot as a child – developed low self-esteem as a result—and ended up spending a good portion of my adult life punishing myself
In spite of the lifelong process of working through childhood wounds, exploring my need to differentiate, and embracing my intrinsic self-worth, critical aspects of my life remained stuck. Certain self-defeating patterns of behavior would improve, only to return like an old friend I really didn’t want in my life anymore but didn’t know how to get rid of. I’ve heard that recognizing a problem is half the solution to fixing it, but after so many years, it’s clear that acknowledgement in itself is not enough.
My new year’s momentum and resolutions had faded fast. I had quickly gotten caught in “not enough time” excuses. Right as I was beginning to tackle that problem through utilizing a daily calendar, I got the latest variant of COVID-19. Suddenly I had time, but no energy. Talk about a great excuse to do nothing! But when one is sick, doing nothing is exactly what is prescribed, so I cut myself some slack.
Still, it can be hard for me to discern where I’m just practicing self-compassion and where I’m actually being lazy. I realized if I was going to follow through on making change in my life, I needed to redefine discipline. My daily calendar is only useful if I actually follow it. My great intentions, resolutions, and commitments simply haven’t been enough. What I’ve really needed is consistent follow through.
Revisiting the whole discipline idea, I moved past the first definition and looked at the word as a verb. However, even here I found myself struggling. The verb definition is to “train oneself in a controlled or habitual way.” This definition gave me an even deeper dive into how words can have so much power. Controlled? Grow up with a controlling mother or father, live with a controlling partner, or be around someone who always needs to be in control, and you’ll get what I mean. Habitual? I’ve had to break so many bad habits it’s hard to identify that word as positive.
It’s been much more helpful to scratch those definitions of discipline and embrace the definition that looks at it as a “branch of knowledge.” The definition of a field of study was one I could embrace. After all, I’ve been studying myself for decades. Why not apply my study to what it will take to get to where I want to be?
Part of what’s also kept me stuck is the real reasons I’ve wanted to make changes haven’t always been clear. It’s easy for me to forget myself in pursuit of some external desire or sense of what I “should” do or be. Or my motivation has been more external than internal. I hadn’t considered that the “self” in self-discipline is me.
I may have held onto the ideal of doing yoga as a regular practice because it felt like something I “should” do. I’d beat myself up for not being able to stick with it. However, when it comes down to it, I’m much better suited to a practice of Tai Chi. I wanted to do yoga because I bought into the extrinsic message it would lead me to greater peace and serenity. For some people it can do just that, just not me.
I’ve also tried to make changes because it was what someone close to me wanted. When I dated someone who was a vegan, I tried to clean up my diet. I loved eating healthy and wanted to eat in a more ethical way, but over time I realized there were other ways to do this that didn’t involve the same dietary restrictions. I wasn’t able to stick to a strict vegan diet because it wasn’t the best option for my body and my lifestyle.
Of course, there are plenty of times my motivations to try to change are harder to identify as intrinsic or extrinsic. Sometimes they are both. For example, my partner wants me to be more present. That means less checking out by picking up my phone, escaping into the television, or being distracted by work. Of course, I DO want to be more present in my life, so I have internal motivation. However, I’ve realized that I’ll never stick with a goal of -- let’s say limiting my phone use to ‘x’ number of hours per day -- if that external pressure is greater than my own desire for change.
The other way I have often left myself out has been forgetting to make sure I get all my parts on board. There are parts of me that feel quite justified in eating that small piece of chocolate when I’m trying to lose weight. Or in skipping my morning meditation because I didn’t sleep well the night before. It’s been easy for me to choose playing a game on my phone over reading a nourishing book or writing in my journal. I have to recognize and acknowledge all parts of myself to keep any one from hijacking my experience.
Fully embracing all the parts of myself has helped me see self-discipline as a self-led form of self-compassion. After all, it’s all about the SELF: Discipline led compassion. For me, redefining discipline is the first step in removing a major obstacle to my progress. It’s like changing my foundation to support new growth. I know it’s possible I might fail, but I love myself to keep trying.
In my mind, discipline conjured ideas of obedience and punishment. As an avowed nonconformist, I’ve critiqued blind obedience and disliked adhering to specified “rules of conduct.” I was punished a lot as a child – developed low self-esteem as a result—and ended up spending a good portion of my adult life punishing myself
In spite of the lifelong process of working through childhood wounds, exploring my need to differentiate, and embracing my intrinsic self-worth, critical aspects of my life remained stuck. Certain self-defeating patterns of behavior would improve, only to return like an old friend I really didn’t want in my life anymore but didn’t know how to get rid of. I’ve heard that recognizing a problem is half the solution to fixing it, but after so many years, it’s clear that acknowledgement in itself is not enough.
My new year’s momentum and resolutions had faded fast. I had quickly gotten caught in “not enough time” excuses. Right as I was beginning to tackle that problem through utilizing a daily calendar, I got the latest variant of COVID-19. Suddenly I had time, but no energy. Talk about a great excuse to do nothing! But when one is sick, doing nothing is exactly what is prescribed, so I cut myself some slack.
Still, it can be hard for me to discern where I’m just practicing self-compassion and where I’m actually being lazy. I realized if I was going to follow through on making change in my life, I needed to redefine discipline. My daily calendar is only useful if I actually follow it. My great intentions, resolutions, and commitments simply haven’t been enough. What I’ve really needed is consistent follow through.
Revisiting the whole discipline idea, I moved past the first definition and looked at the word as a verb. However, even here I found myself struggling. The verb definition is to “train oneself in a controlled or habitual way.” This definition gave me an even deeper dive into how words can have so much power. Controlled? Grow up with a controlling mother or father, live with a controlling partner, or be around someone who always needs to be in control, and you’ll get what I mean. Habitual? I’ve had to break so many bad habits it’s hard to identify that word as positive.
It’s been much more helpful to scratch those definitions of discipline and embrace the definition that looks at it as a “branch of knowledge.” The definition of a field of study was one I could embrace. After all, I’ve been studying myself for decades. Why not apply my study to what it will take to get to where I want to be?
Part of what’s also kept me stuck is the real reasons I’ve wanted to make changes haven’t always been clear. It’s easy for me to forget myself in pursuit of some external desire or sense of what I “should” do or be. Or my motivation has been more external than internal. I hadn’t considered that the “self” in self-discipline is me.
I may have held onto the ideal of doing yoga as a regular practice because it felt like something I “should” do. I’d beat myself up for not being able to stick with it. However, when it comes down to it, I’m much better suited to a practice of Tai Chi. I wanted to do yoga because I bought into the extrinsic message it would lead me to greater peace and serenity. For some people it can do just that, just not me.
I’ve also tried to make changes because it was what someone close to me wanted. When I dated someone who was a vegan, I tried to clean up my diet. I loved eating healthy and wanted to eat in a more ethical way, but over time I realized there were other ways to do this that didn’t involve the same dietary restrictions. I wasn’t able to stick to a strict vegan diet because it wasn’t the best option for my body and my lifestyle.
Of course, there are plenty of times my motivations to try to change are harder to identify as intrinsic or extrinsic. Sometimes they are both. For example, my partner wants me to be more present. That means less checking out by picking up my phone, escaping into the television, or being distracted by work. Of course, I DO want to be more present in my life, so I have internal motivation. However, I’ve realized that I’ll never stick with a goal of -- let’s say limiting my phone use to ‘x’ number of hours per day -- if that external pressure is greater than my own desire for change.
The other way I have often left myself out has been forgetting to make sure I get all my parts on board. There are parts of me that feel quite justified in eating that small piece of chocolate when I’m trying to lose weight. Or in skipping my morning meditation because I didn’t sleep well the night before. It’s been easy for me to choose playing a game on my phone over reading a nourishing book or writing in my journal. I have to recognize and acknowledge all parts of myself to keep any one from hijacking my experience.
Fully embracing all the parts of myself has helped me see self-discipline as a self-led form of self-compassion. After all, it’s all about the SELF: Discipline led compassion. For me, redefining discipline is the first step in removing a major obstacle to my progress. It’s like changing my foundation to support new growth. I know it’s possible I might fail, but I love myself to keep trying.
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